I always felt at least a little intimidated by girls. Always. With Mary it was no different. She was smart and pretty and what I would call “peppy”. I liked her a lot and she sort of took me under her wing a bit. I was 19 or 20 at the time.
Everything was 100% on her terms. It didn’t really have much to do with me…she decided we would be friends and I went along for the ride. She was the producer…the director…the choreographer of our relationship.
Mary was one of those females who taught me, or perhaps showed me how I “was” – on the inside. I was attracted to her…but to be honest I never really felt like I could be a “boyfriend” to her. I don’t exactly know why I felt that but it seemed clear. The idea of being her boyfriend seemed a bit ridiculous.
Mary was more social than I was and she dated guys who I considered “men”. I was trying to be that…but truth be told I have always felt like more of a “boy”. So I was quite thrilled and frankly grateful to be around her at all. Sometimes she would ask me to do something… but soon thereafter she simply told me what to do or what was going to happen.
I always knew she was in charge and I felt a little bit embarrassed by it. But, because she kept it private it was only embarrassment I had with her. For the most part, she did not publicly demonstrate her authority over me.
I felt quite thrilled to be around her at all and would do almost anything she would suggest. She was usually quite nice about it, so that made it easier.
I always went to visit Mary at her apartment. It was always her way. Mary coming to visit me at college was absolutely never going to happen. Basically, she told me that I “needed” to come visit her. The way she put it was gentle but with a slight tone of “you better.” It was subtle, but there.
All this and in no way were we boyfriend and girlfriend. I was clearly a “friend” and that was pretty much it. I dreamed about more but never dared ask for fear of rejection or even amusement on her end.
Joy & Love,
Goddess Mandy 🙂 XO